Close Calls With Death
Posted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 7:38 am
If you've been alive for any length of time, you've undoubtedly had numerous close calls with death. Let's hear them. One per post, but post as many times as you'd like:
Me, had my SAT's (entrance exams for college/university in the states [Scholastic Aptitude Test{which I didn't do that good on, as evidenced by the necessity to look up the spelling of two of those three words}]) in a couple of hours. I've never been a morning person, so was tired as hell. My moms made me a chocolate kind of shake for breakfast. But it had coffee in it. Literally first time I had had coffee in my life. Also, and being honest now, think she might have slipped something else in there, cause no joke, I was HIGH AS FUCK.
Cut to me driving fast as hell to my high school to take the SAT. I'm not on a freeway or a highway, just some kind of expressway or something, going way too fast, when I come up on my off ramp. I'm going so fast, I have just enough time to see a 25 mph exit warning sign, offhandedly check my speedometer to see 60 mph and realize the off ramp is not a big rounded loop, but kind of had an elbow in it. I *tap* the brakes and turn gently, and instantly start skidding straight ahead. Mind you, I'm in an '84 Honda CRX, air bags were some engineer's wet dream at this point and the car was largely made out of tin foil.
I go flying into the guardrail at 60 and just before my car hits it, the car just jumps to the right. I'm totally, totally stunned. Absolutely thought I was about to die, like milliseconds were becoming very long. Then I realize that my car lurched so far over to the right that I hopped the curb at 60 and went off the inside of the off ramp.
It's at this point that I realize I am driving more down than flat and there is a deafening high pitched screaming noise and I can't see where I'm going because my windshield wipers are rapidly flipping back and forth (for some unknown reason) and this weird kind of greenery is hitting my windshield. I simultaneously apprehend that I am not sitting, but standing almost completely straight with both feet on both peddles and with both peddles pressed to the floor, the car is now for some reason in neutral and I see my tachometer (the gauge that measures the rpm of the engine, basically how fast the engine is going) is pinned at 8k and the engine is about to blow.
The little hill that I'm falling down starts to level out a little bit, I let go of the gas peddle, the noise drops, I switch off the windshield wipers, and see that I'm sliding down this off ramp hill that is covered in ice plant, a wet kind of succulent (that was just previously crashing into my windshield). It is at this point that, again, I realize I have no steering control as I'm hydroplaning on the ice plant and I'm kind of diagonally sliding towards this sign post at the bottom of the hill. I'm going straight for it, the feeling is like being in a boat on fast moving water and having no steering or propulsion at all, like the best you can do is hope that everything works out.
Well it does... the sign post goes flying right by the front of my car, it must have been under a foot that I slid by this thing. Then I jump the curb at the bottom of the off ramp, where my car finally comes to a rest, pointing perfectly in line with my lane, waiting in front of the yield sign to merge into the road I was trying to get to. There is literally a smoke/steam cloud all around me, and all kinds of dirt and ripped up iceplant scattered around me on the road. I'm just kind of stunned, like I don't know what the fuck is going on. Then I see a cop car pass me going in the other direction. I look up over my right shoulder and see the hill deeply scared, just a dirt trail leading to my car. I put it in gear and floor it the hell out of there.
This is not actually the end of how I almost died that day. When I got to my school, there was absolutely no parking. There were like twice the amount of kids there that day to take the test. I had to park over a mile away and had about 20 minutes until the test started. I parked it, went to get my id out of the back (of the hatchback, bitches!) but remembered that my career counselor said I wouldn't need it because I was testing on my regular high school's campus and all the proctors would know me, so I said fucket and ran to my school without my id.
I finally get there to my room, dripping sweat from the sprint, but I don't recognize the proctor that is standing at the door. I try to tell this lady that my career counselor said that I didn't need my id blah blah blah, but she just would not let me in.
I'm honestly pretty shaky by this point. I'm still not totally over nearly wrecking my car, let alone the mile hoof to get there. I calculate that I have just enough time to make it back to my car, grab my id, and get back.
Pretty much as soon as I start running I start having an asthma attack. Dorky I know. When I was a kid, I had really bad asthma (several near death stories there involving being rushed to the emergency room, unable to breath, puking all over my parent's car cause I was so freaked out by being suffocated), the asthma was getting better by this point, so was surprised by this attack. But I come from a die hard stock that does not accept defeat (unfortunately), so I keep going. I make it all the way to my car, get my id, and turn around to do the third mile back to school, almost completely breathless.
I sprint back, there are no kids in the halls or anything, I come around the corner, and that bitchy proctor is just closing the door. She actually holds it open for me and accepts my school id (I didn't even have my driver's license, yes that is how I roll). I sit down in the only open seat.
Now, my high school was regularly an all boys school, which if you think about it, does have its upsides. You can totally kick it, relax. But today, there were girls there. Really really cute girls. I sat behind these really cute girls, and it was tripping me out. I'd been through quite a half hour already and now to be beset upon by all this radiant beauty was really taking me to the next level.
I'm sitting in my chair, almost completely unable to breath, admiring the back of this girl's neck. What faint gasps of air that I can pull into my body smell of Strawberry Shortcake and vagina (don't knock it), when the girl in front of me leans over to her friend and says, "Can you, like, hear someone... breathing?" I died. Totally mortified. This girl was the receding light at the end of my literal tunnel vision, and then she was just gone, and I was in darkness.
I did really shitty on my SAT's.
But that really isn't the point. The point is that I didn't die through any of that. I swear to Yah I've got some kind of guardian angel thing happening. Okay, I'd like to hear your near death divine intervention stories.
Me, had my SAT's (entrance exams for college/university in the states [Scholastic Aptitude Test{which I didn't do that good on, as evidenced by the necessity to look up the spelling of two of those three words}]) in a couple of hours. I've never been a morning person, so was tired as hell. My moms made me a chocolate kind of shake for breakfast. But it had coffee in it. Literally first time I had had coffee in my life. Also, and being honest now, think she might have slipped something else in there, cause no joke, I was HIGH AS FUCK.
Cut to me driving fast as hell to my high school to take the SAT. I'm not on a freeway or a highway, just some kind of expressway or something, going way too fast, when I come up on my off ramp. I'm going so fast, I have just enough time to see a 25 mph exit warning sign, offhandedly check my speedometer to see 60 mph and realize the off ramp is not a big rounded loop, but kind of had an elbow in it. I *tap* the brakes and turn gently, and instantly start skidding straight ahead. Mind you, I'm in an '84 Honda CRX, air bags were some engineer's wet dream at this point and the car was largely made out of tin foil.
I go flying into the guardrail at 60 and just before my car hits it, the car just jumps to the right. I'm totally, totally stunned. Absolutely thought I was about to die, like milliseconds were becoming very long. Then I realize that my car lurched so far over to the right that I hopped the curb at 60 and went off the inside of the off ramp.
It's at this point that I realize I am driving more down than flat and there is a deafening high pitched screaming noise and I can't see where I'm going because my windshield wipers are rapidly flipping back and forth (for some unknown reason) and this weird kind of greenery is hitting my windshield. I simultaneously apprehend that I am not sitting, but standing almost completely straight with both feet on both peddles and with both peddles pressed to the floor, the car is now for some reason in neutral and I see my tachometer (the gauge that measures the rpm of the engine, basically how fast the engine is going) is pinned at 8k and the engine is about to blow.
The little hill that I'm falling down starts to level out a little bit, I let go of the gas peddle, the noise drops, I switch off the windshield wipers, and see that I'm sliding down this off ramp hill that is covered in ice plant, a wet kind of succulent (that was just previously crashing into my windshield). It is at this point that, again, I realize I have no steering control as I'm hydroplaning on the ice plant and I'm kind of diagonally sliding towards this sign post at the bottom of the hill. I'm going straight for it, the feeling is like being in a boat on fast moving water and having no steering or propulsion at all, like the best you can do is hope that everything works out.
Well it does... the sign post goes flying right by the front of my car, it must have been under a foot that I slid by this thing. Then I jump the curb at the bottom of the off ramp, where my car finally comes to a rest, pointing perfectly in line with my lane, waiting in front of the yield sign to merge into the road I was trying to get to. There is literally a smoke/steam cloud all around me, and all kinds of dirt and ripped up iceplant scattered around me on the road. I'm just kind of stunned, like I don't know what the fuck is going on. Then I see a cop car pass me going in the other direction. I look up over my right shoulder and see the hill deeply scared, just a dirt trail leading to my car. I put it in gear and floor it the hell out of there.
This is not actually the end of how I almost died that day. When I got to my school, there was absolutely no parking. There were like twice the amount of kids there that day to take the test. I had to park over a mile away and had about 20 minutes until the test started. I parked it, went to get my id out of the back (of the hatchback, bitches!) but remembered that my career counselor said I wouldn't need it because I was testing on my regular high school's campus and all the proctors would know me, so I said fucket and ran to my school without my id.
I finally get there to my room, dripping sweat from the sprint, but I don't recognize the proctor that is standing at the door. I try to tell this lady that my career counselor said that I didn't need my id blah blah blah, but she just would not let me in.
I'm honestly pretty shaky by this point. I'm still not totally over nearly wrecking my car, let alone the mile hoof to get there. I calculate that I have just enough time to make it back to my car, grab my id, and get back.
Pretty much as soon as I start running I start having an asthma attack. Dorky I know. When I was a kid, I had really bad asthma (several near death stories there involving being rushed to the emergency room, unable to breath, puking all over my parent's car cause I was so freaked out by being suffocated), the asthma was getting better by this point, so was surprised by this attack. But I come from a die hard stock that does not accept defeat (unfortunately), so I keep going. I make it all the way to my car, get my id, and turn around to do the third mile back to school, almost completely breathless.
I sprint back, there are no kids in the halls or anything, I come around the corner, and that bitchy proctor is just closing the door. She actually holds it open for me and accepts my school id (I didn't even have my driver's license, yes that is how I roll). I sit down in the only open seat.
Now, my high school was regularly an all boys school, which if you think about it, does have its upsides. You can totally kick it, relax. But today, there were girls there. Really really cute girls. I sat behind these really cute girls, and it was tripping me out. I'd been through quite a half hour already and now to be beset upon by all this radiant beauty was really taking me to the next level.
I'm sitting in my chair, almost completely unable to breath, admiring the back of this girl's neck. What faint gasps of air that I can pull into my body smell of Strawberry Shortcake and vagina (don't knock it), when the girl in front of me leans over to her friend and says, "Can you, like, hear someone... breathing?" I died. Totally mortified. This girl was the receding light at the end of my literal tunnel vision, and then she was just gone, and I was in darkness.
I did really shitty on my SAT's.
But that really isn't the point. The point is that I didn't die through any of that. I swear to Yah I've got some kind of guardian angel thing happening. Okay, I'd like to hear your near death divine intervention stories.
