excellant!!!!!!!!!kidlogic wrote:Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
knock knock jokes
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I have a million corny jokes... heres a few doozies...
-Knock, knock...
Who's There?
A polish burglar...
-How do you make a kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
-Two nuts were walking down the street...
One was assaulted...
-A pice of string walks into a bar and orders a shot of Whiskey. the bartender says, "we don't serve string here! get out"
The string walks out onto the street, asks a passer by to tie him into a knot and fray his ends.
The string walks back into the bar and asks for a shot of whiskey. The bartender says, "I thought I told you we don't serve string here!"
The string says, "I'm a frayed knot!"
-Knock, knock...
Who's There?
A polish burglar...
-How do you make a kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
-Two nuts were walking down the street...
One was assaulted...
-A pice of string walks into a bar and orders a shot of Whiskey. the bartender says, "we don't serve string here! get out"
The string walks out onto the street, asks a passer by to tie him into a knot and fray his ends.
The string walks back into the bar and asks for a shot of whiskey. The bartender says, "I thought I told you we don't serve string here!"
The string says, "I'm a frayed knot!"
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betamaxnomates
- Posts: 293
- Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:04 am
- Location: Tokyo
- Contact:
that 1 was sick!!Dubloke wrote:A man and a woman are talking, the woman looks down to see a bulge in the mans trousers. The woman then says to the man 'is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me' the man replies, 'both, im going to rape you'
bit extreme I know but i creased when i heard it
Whats green and smells like blue paint?
Green paint.
Whats got 4 legs, green and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.
Whats Red & Hairy?
Fanny Rash (tell this to birds, then when they laugh say "do you get it"..)
Whats small, red and goes up and down?
A tomato in a lift.
Why does the avon lady walk funny?
Because her lipstick.
Nice one!deamonds wrote:
Why does the avon lady walk funny?
Because her lipstick.
(This one is best when told to your friends as serious as possible)
I was in the record store the other day, and came up on (insert favorite dubstep tune here). I wasnt planning on buying any tunes that day, just there to pass some time, but I had to have it. I checked my wallet, but didnt have enough cash on me to buy it.
I knew if I just left it in the bin it would for sure be gone by the time I got back to the store, so I only had one choice - I shoved it down the front of my pants and calmly went to leave.
I almost made it out, when the girl at the register stopped me and said "excuse me, but is that a record in you pants?"
I said, "I dont know if its a record, but Im sure proud of it!"
Gotta use this 1!!!!!!!!kidlogic wrote:Nice one!deamonds wrote:
Why does the avon lady walk funny?
Because her lipstick.
(This one is best when told to your friends as serious as possible)
I was in the record store the other day, and came up on (insert favorite dubstep tune here). I wasnt planning on buying any tunes that day, just there to pass some time, but I had to have it. I checked my wallet, but didnt have enough cash on me to buy it.
I knew if I just left it in the bin it would for sure be gone by the time I got back to the store, so I only had one choice - I shoved it down the front of my pants and calmly went to leave.
I almost made it out, when the girl at the register stopped me and said "excuse me, but is that a record in you pants?"
I said, "I dont know if its a record, but Im sure proud of it!"
Standard for any DJ!deamonds wrote:Gotta use this 1!!!!!!!!kidlogic wrote:Nice one!deamonds wrote:
Why does the avon lady walk funny?
Because her lipstick.
(This one is best when told to your friends as serious as possible)
I was in the record store the other day, and came up on (insert favorite dubstep tune here). I wasnt planning on buying any tunes that day, just there to pass some time, but I had to have it. I checked my wallet, but didnt have enough cash on me to buy it.
I knew if I just left it in the bin it would for sure be gone by the time I got back to the store, so I only had one choice - I shoved it down the front of my pants and calmly went to leave.
I almost made it out, when the girl at the register stopped me and said "excuse me, but is that a record in you pants?"
I said, "I dont know if its a record, but Im sure proud of it!"
A man is walking down the road, and sees a penguin. He doesn't want to just leave it there, so he brings it along with him to the police station.
"Excuse me, officer. I found this penguin walking down the street. What should I do with it?"
"Take it to the zoo."
"OK."
A couple of days later, the policeman is walking on his beat, when he sees the same man, with the penguin walking along beside him.
"Sir, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo?"
"I did! And I'm taking it to the cinema tonight!"
Bad-dum-tish
"Excuse me, officer. I found this penguin walking down the street. What should I do with it?"
"Take it to the zoo."
"OK."
A couple of days later, the policeman is walking on his beat, when he sees the same man, with the penguin walking along beside him.
"Sir, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo?"
"I did! And I'm taking it to the cinema tonight!"
Bad-dum-tish
Its little Johnny's 16th birthday, and his Dad wants to help him have a good one, so he gives him a dollar and tells him to head out into town. On his way into town Johnny sees a man selling ducks on the side of the road.
"How much for a duck?"
"Just a buck" says the man.
"Well Ill take a duck then" says Johnny, and after the transaction is complete, he continues heading into town.
After walking his duck around town for a while he finds himself in the Red Light district. One of the ladies of the night approaches him and says
"Hey there, you lookin for a good time?"
"Sure," Johnny says, "But all I have is this duck."
"Well," the lady says, "Ive never had a pet, and he looks like a fine duck... I tell you what, just this once, Ill take that duck as payment if you wanna have a good time..."
"It is my Birthday, and Dad said to have a good time... so... sure."
"Lets go upstairs to my room, and Ill give you the best birthday you've ever had" says the lady.
While in the middle of the deed, Johnny hits just the right spot and the lady of the night screams out in ecstacy, startling the duck and causing it to fly out the window and into the street, directly into the path of an oncoming truck. Tires screech and feathers fly as the duck is shook loose its mortal coil. Johnny runs down to the street to see what happened and finds the truck driver holding the duck, with a look of remorse on his face.
"Im terribly sorry, he just came out of nowhere, I didnt have time to react... was it your's? Here, I know its not much, but please, take this dollar to make up for it"
Johnny took the dollar, and dazed from what had just happened, wandered home.
"So," says Johnny's Dad, "how was your trip into town?"
"Well," Johnny says, "It was pretty eventful. I got a duck for a buck, a fuck for a duck, and a buck for a fucked up duck!"
"How much for a duck?"
"Just a buck" says the man.
"Well Ill take a duck then" says Johnny, and after the transaction is complete, he continues heading into town.
After walking his duck around town for a while he finds himself in the Red Light district. One of the ladies of the night approaches him and says
"Hey there, you lookin for a good time?"
"Sure," Johnny says, "But all I have is this duck."
"Well," the lady says, "Ive never had a pet, and he looks like a fine duck... I tell you what, just this once, Ill take that duck as payment if you wanna have a good time..."
"It is my Birthday, and Dad said to have a good time... so... sure."
"Lets go upstairs to my room, and Ill give you the best birthday you've ever had" says the lady.
While in the middle of the deed, Johnny hits just the right spot and the lady of the night screams out in ecstacy, startling the duck and causing it to fly out the window and into the street, directly into the path of an oncoming truck. Tires screech and feathers fly as the duck is shook loose its mortal coil. Johnny runs down to the street to see what happened and finds the truck driver holding the duck, with a look of remorse on his face.
"Im terribly sorry, he just came out of nowhere, I didnt have time to react... was it your's? Here, I know its not much, but please, take this dollar to make up for it"
Johnny took the dollar, and dazed from what had just happened, wandered home.
"So," says Johnny's Dad, "how was your trip into town?"
"Well," Johnny says, "It was pretty eventful. I got a duck for a buck, a fuck for a duck, and a buck for a fucked up duck!"
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djelements
- Posts: 6830
- Joined: Mon Oct 01, 2007 11:25 pm
- Location: First dsf male lesbian/Savannah, GA
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hello, we represent the Jehova's Witnesses... etc.
Who's there?
Hello, we represent the Jehova's Witnesses... etc.
http://soundcloud.com/helixdelay
kejk wrote:I prefer the pooper
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betamaxnomates
- Posts: 293
- Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:04 am
- Location: Tokyo
- Contact:
-
guerillaeye
- Posts: 1871
- Joined: Sat Mar 03, 2007 8:56 pm
- Location: NEPA
**Phone Call Home**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
"But honey,
you haven't got
an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do,
and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy,
right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone
down on the table,
run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy,
just a minute."
A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed
with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed
with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool?
Is this
486-5731?"
"Hello?"
"Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
"But honey,
you haven't got
an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do,
and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy,
right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone
down on the table,
run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy,
just a minute."
A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed
with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed
with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool?
Is this
486-5731?"
-
guerillaeye
- Posts: 1871
- Joined: Sat Mar 03, 2007 8:56 pm
- Location: NEPA
A group of nudists decide to have a costume party, but seeing as none of them can actually wear anything as a costume, they agree to each go as a 'mood' instead.
Everyone starts to arrive at the party. The first guy to arrive is painted head to toe in blue paint.
'Hang about,' says the bouncer. 'What have you come as?'
'Can't you tell?' says the guy. 'I'm painted head to toe in blue, for god's sake. I've come as sadness.'
'Ah,' says the bouncer. 'Alright. In you go.'
The second person turns up, a woman painted head to toe in red paint.
'Just a minute,' says the bouncer. 'What have you come as?'
'Can't you tell?' says the woman. 'I'm painted head to toe in red, for god's sake. I've come as anger.'
'Alright,' says the bouncer. 'In you go.'
Next arrive a couple of guys. One of them has squashed half a pear onto his erect dick, the other is holding a bowl of custard at waist-level, with his similarly erect dick stuck right there into the custard.
'Now just hold on a minute!' says the bouncer. 'We've had sadness. We've had anger. But I've got to ask - what the hell have you two come as?'
'Can't you tell?' says the first guy. 'I'm deep in despair and he's fucking disgusted.'
Everyone starts to arrive at the party. The first guy to arrive is painted head to toe in blue paint.
'Hang about,' says the bouncer. 'What have you come as?'
'Can't you tell?' says the guy. 'I'm painted head to toe in blue, for god's sake. I've come as sadness.'
'Ah,' says the bouncer. 'Alright. In you go.'
The second person turns up, a woman painted head to toe in red paint.
'Just a minute,' says the bouncer. 'What have you come as?'
'Can't you tell?' says the woman. 'I'm painted head to toe in red, for god's sake. I've come as anger.'
'Alright,' says the bouncer. 'In you go.'
Next arrive a couple of guys. One of them has squashed half a pear onto his erect dick, the other is holding a bowl of custard at waist-level, with his similarly erect dick stuck right there into the custard.
'Now just hold on a minute!' says the bouncer. 'We've had sadness. We've had anger. But I've got to ask - what the hell have you two come as?'
'Can't you tell?' says the first guy. 'I'm deep in despair and he's fucking disgusted.'
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