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On the day that England had the monumental 5-1 victory over Germany, i like many an Englishman got ludicrously drunk. Anyway, after leaving the pub and getting run over twice (proper over the bonnet business) we decided to head somewhere via the underground. I fell down the escalators and a female friend decided that she had to hold my hand to prevent anymore disastors. This she would live to regret. I suddenly announced to her that i needed a piss. She tried to explain that we where on a very crowded Underground platform but i was having non of it. i walked up to what i thought was a Urinal. Apparently this Urinal didn't exist and i was pissing on the platform infront of hundreds of people. I was so drunk that she had to tuck me back in and zip my fly up. How i didn't get arrested god only knows. The darling carried on holding my hand throughout this experience.
Naturally it took some apologising to get her to speak to me again after that.

Edit: Removed as this it was painfully embarrassing to read back

i was in the van with some older (70ish) collegue to pic up a delivery. Hes a funny bloke and was saying everytime we drove by someone good looking, things like "i'd tap that" "id give her one" etc i was laughing my head off then i joined in but said " That girl desperatly needs Pounding Look at that short skirt wat a sket bet shes well easy"
Collegue goes bright red and mumbles "thats my grand daughter"

We didnt speak for the rest of the half hour drive.
Still dont know if he was joking.

B-90 wrote:i was in the van with some older (70ish) collegue to pic up a delivery. Hes a funny bloke and was saying everytime we drove by someone good looking, things like "i'd tap that" "id give her one" etc i was laughing my head off then i joined in but said " That girl desperatly needs Pounding Look at that short skirt wat a sket bet shes well easy"
Collegue goes bright red and mumbles "thats my grand daughter"

We didnt speak for the rest of the half hour drive.
Still dont know if he was joking.

B-90 wrote:i was in the van with some older (70ish) collegue to pic up a delivery. Hes a funny bloke and was saying everytime we drove by someone good looking, things like "i'd tap that" "id give her one" etc i was laughing my head off then i joined in but said " That girl desperatly needs Pounding Look at that short skirt wat a sket bet shes well easy"
Collegue goes bright red and mumbles "thats my grand daughter"

We didnt speak for the rest of the half hour drive.
Still dont know if he was joking.

Hahaha absolutely epic.

B-90 wrote:i was in the van with some older (70ish) collegue to pic up a delivery. Hes a funny bloke and was saying everytime we drove by someone good looking, things like "i'd tap that" "id give her one" etc i was laughing my head off then i joined in but said " That girl desperatly needs Pounding Look at that short skirt wat a sket bet shes well easy"
Collegue goes bright red and mumbles "thats my grand daughter"

We didnt speak for the rest of the half hour drive.
Still dont know if he was joking.

Hahaha!

B-90 wrote:i was in the van with some older (70ish) collegue to pic up a delivery. Hes a funny bloke and was saying everytime we drove by someone good looking, things like "i'd tap that" "id give her one" etc i was laughing my head off then i joined in but said " That girl desperatly needs Pounding Look at that short skirt wat a sket bet shes well easy"
Collegue goes bright red and mumbles "thats my grand daughter"

We didnt speak for the rest of the half hour drive.
Still dont know if he was joking.

ouch mate

B-90 wrote:i was in the van with some older (70ish) collegue to pic up a delivery. Hes a funny bloke and was saying everytime we drove by someone good looking, things like "i'd tap that" "id give her one" etc i was laughing my head off then i joined in but said " That girl desperatly needs Pounding Look at that short skirt wat a sket bet shes well easy"
Collegue goes bright red and mumbles "thats my grand daughter"

We didnt speak for the rest of the half hour drive.
Still dont know if he was joking.

Shiiiit, that's a Larry David moment right there.

Not really an embarrassing moment exactly but at a family wedding this bored ultra-bitch spread a rumour that I got off with one of my cousins I had to put the record straight and made it my mission to sleep with somebody, anybody who wasn't blood related. Great success!

why do all of these involve poo or man juice?

so i was walking home from school and reallly needed a shit, you know like so much that you have to walk funny to keep it from surfacing. got home, forgot my key. fuckk! no one was going to be in for ages and i dont think i had a mobile back then. How long can i last? I then decide i have 2 options: 1. SHIT MYSELF or 2. go in the garden somewhere.
So i live in a normal neighbour hood houses over looking the garden and stuff. The most sheltered spot was behind this big bush thing so i walk over to it, look at the spot where i am potentially going to drop the kids off. Literally just dropped my kegs and am squatting behind this bush when i look over and see my neighbour looking at me over the fence.

Luckily i grabbed a football that was back there and threw it out onto the lawn then stagged out, 'just getting this ball'. So yeah, could have been worse if i saw him a few seconds later when i was in mid-shit. But he knew, what i was up to, oh he knew alright.

sonar wrote:why do all of these involve poo or man juice?

so i was walking home from school and reallly needed a shit, you know like so much that you have to walk funny to keep it from surfacing. got home, forgot my key. fuckk! no one was going to be in for ages and i dont think i had a mobile back then. How long can i last? I then decide i have 2 options: 1. SHIT MYSELF or 2. go in the garden somewhere.
So i live in a normal neighbour hood houses over looking the garden and stuff. The most sheltered spot was behind this big bush thing so i walk over to it, look at the spot where i am potentially going to drop the kids off. Literally just dropped my kegs and am squatting behind this bush when i look over and see my neighbour looking at me over the fence.

Luckily i grabbed a football that was back there and threw it out onto the lawn then stagged out, 'just getting this ball'. So yeah, could have been worse if i saw him a few seconds later when i was in mid-shit. But he knew, what i was up to, oh he knew alright.

One time in school I had horrendous stomach ache and cramps for hours and could hardly walk so I went home ill, turned out I needed a massive shit.

so back in my student days i lived in a shared house with 5 boys..one evening im in my bedroom,light off, door closed getting busy with my then boyfriend...with absolutely no warning the door bursts open, the light goes on and im starkers sitting upright astride my honey, face to face with my housemate (who apparently thought i was out) and a crowd of random househunters...."ERR, HI EVERYONE!"
needless to say, they took the house

im going amsterdam this weekend, and i am known to go to far with things. Watch this space

FC wrote:so back in my student days i lived in a shared house with 5 boys..one evening im in my bedroom,light off, door closed getting busy with my then boyfriend...with absolutely no warning the door bursts open, the light goes on and im starkers sitting upright astride my honey, face to face with my housemate (who apparently thought i was out) and a crowd of random househunters...."ERR, HI EVERYONE!"
needless to say, they took the house

I have been caught twice in the act. I wasn't as embarrassed as the people who interrupted us.

I was once snogging the face off some bird and accidentally snotted on her cheek, like a proper big bubble snot.

She left

amazing thread

Firky wrote:

B-90 wrote:i was in the van with some older (70ish) collegue to pic up a delivery. Hes a funny bloke and was saying everytime we drove by someone good looking, things like "i'd tap that" "id give her one" etc i was laughing my head off then i joined in but said " That girl desperatly needs Pounding Look at that short skirt wat a sket bet shes well easy"
Collegue goes bright red and mumbles "thats my grand daughter"

We didnt speak for the rest of the half hour drive.
Still dont know if he was joking.

winner.

As an MP I claimed expenses for my husbands porn addiction.

adisize wrote:

Firky wrote:

B-90 wrote:i was in the van with some older (70ish) collegue to pic up a delivery. Hes a funny bloke and was saying everytime we drove by someone good looking, things like "i'd tap that" "id give her one" etc i was laughing my head off then i joined in but said " That girl desperatly needs Pounding Look at that short skirt wat a sket bet shes well easy"
Collegue goes bright red and mumbles "thats my grand daughter"

We didnt speak for the rest of the half hour drive.
Still dont know if he was joking.

winner.

srsly