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Was at this girls house once. She lived in the neighborhood party house where everyone ended up. Had a reputation for only the lowest of the low hanging out there. My friend drove us over one night because of complete boredom. He told me not to freak out, that the house was always nasty. No shit... mounds of clothes, dirty I suppose, were scattered all about the house... dirty dishes, garbage everywhere, etc. These people lived in complete filth and the house smelled like rancid mildew. But all the neighborhood kids partied there because the parents didn't give a shit. They were fat and nasty, and a bunch of druggies I suppose. Anyways... I had stopped at the store before and bought a few St Ides special brews (this was circa 1996/1997) to sip on. Anyway... I managed to sit my self down on the couch with everyone else, and stare into amazement at the mom who just sat down with, an ENTIRE large Dominoes pizza in her lap. When she sat down her tits plopped out and were hanging in the pizza. This happened for only about 10 seconds..... 10 seconds.... 10 SECONDS!!! And I sat my open drink on the floor for 10 SECONDS!!

When I picked up my drink and took a sip, while still staring at Droopy Pizza Tits, I felt something running around in my mouth. It was a fucking COCKROACH!!! The nasty motherfuckers had cockroaches and one of them got in my drink, in my mouth, and was doing donuts on my tongue!!! Fucking shit... I didn't puke but got the fuck outta there quick.

A couple of years back I went upstairs in the evening and it fucking stank of shit. I walked down the corridor and the smell got worse and worse. I went round the corner and saw my mum running around with a cloth and dettol.

I looked through the door into my five year old sister's room and the entire bed was dripping in shit. There was a massive pool of it in the middle of the bed and it was dripping off all the sides and smeared all over the wall. Imagine the bit where Johnny Depp gets killed in nightmare on elm street but with yellowish brown shit. I have never smelt anything so bad in my life. The whole room was literally plastered with it. I spent about 5 minutes just wretching.

ben freeman wrote:I went to pick up and play a friend's harmonica and I sucked in instead of blowing, and I sucked in a booger that my 4 year old neighbor had put into one of the holes. He started laughing and I blew chunks.

Thats funny as fuck

Reminds me of the time my big brother held me down and force fed me loads of that jelly shit you get in pork pies...... tnuc.

I got him back by waiting till he was asleep and writing "Im Gay" on his naked back with self tanning lotion. He was a rugby player and had a big game the next day, so when he took his shirt off in front of his mates they all ripped into him.

Fuck me I got the shit kicked out of me for that one.

[edit] - I was 13 at the time, just in case anyone thinks this happened last week or something........

Motorway to Roswell wrote:A couple of years back I went upstairs in the evening and it fucking stank of shit. I walked down the corridor and the smell got worse and worse. I went round the corner and saw my mum running around with a cloth and dettol.

I looked through the door into my five year old sister's room and the entire bed was dripping in shit. There was a massive pool of it in the middle of the bed and it was dripping off all the sides and smeared all over the wall. Imagine the bit where Johnny Depp gets killed in nightmare on elm street but with yellowish brown shit. I have never smelt anything so bad in my life. The whole room was literally plastered with it. I spent about 5 minutes just wretching.

Im gonna need more info on this one......... How the hell did your little sister produce so much shit? Did several people shit in her bed at once? I NEED CLOSURE!!!!

I used to have a sloppy bachelor pad in my youth. Always had losers over drinking my beer, smoking dope, and shootin' the shit. Just by myself I used to drink 18-24 or more beers a day. After a night of 5-10 people drinking, the empty can and bottles start to add up. Mind you, I did trash empty cans and bottles, but when you are drunk and with a bunch of fools, the empties start to pile up. And then you have those people who won't drink the last drop, drink half a beer and get another (so out of embarrasment for wasting a beer, they wont pour the old one down the sink), and forget they had one, and where the hell they left it. So people start using empties for all sorts of things. Mostly they get used for ash trays and cigarette butt extinguishers.

This one makes me gag till this day. Mostly because I smoked for 16 years then quit back in 2006.

I was sitting on the couch drinking a can of cold beer. I sat the beer on the table next to the sofa. Smoked a cig and got thirsty. Reached over for my beer to take one of those long thirsty beer guzzles.

Took down about 10 cigarette butts, and a load of black ashy beer before my brain registered what the fuck happened.

JFK wrote:

Motorway to Roswell wrote:A couple of years back I went upstairs in the evening and it fucking stank of shit. I walked down the corridor and the smell got worse and worse. I went round the corner and saw my mum running around with a cloth and dettol.

I looked through the door into my five year old sister's room and the entire bed was dripping in shit. There was a massive pool of it in the middle of the bed and it was dripping off all the sides and smeared all over the wall. Imagine the bit where Johnny Depp gets killed in nightmare on elm street but with yellowish brown shit. I have never smelt anything so bad in my life. The whole room was literally plastered with it. I spent about 5 minutes just wretching.

Im gonna need more info on this one......... How the hell did your little sister produce so much shit? Did several people shit in her bed at once? I NEED CLOSURE!!!!

I have no clue man. Blahblahblah's line applies here.

when disgust mutates into pride, satisfaction and awe

bass hertz wrote:I used to have a sloppy bachelor pad in my youth. Always had losers over drinking my beer, smoking dope, and shootin' the shit. Just by myself I used to drink 18-24 or more beers a day. After a night of 5-10 people drinking, the empty can and bottles start to add up. Mind you, I did trash empty cans and bottles, but when you are drunk and with a bunch of fools, the empties start to pile up. And then you have those people who won't drink the last drop, drink half a beer and get another (so out of embarrasment for wasting a beer, they wont pour the old one down the sink), and forget they had one, and where the hell they left it. So people start using empties for all sorts of things. Mostly they get used for ash trays and cigarette butt extinguishers.

This one makes me gag till this day. Mostly because I smoked for 16 years then quit back in 2006.

I was sitting on the couch drinking a can of cold beer. I sat the beer on the table next to the sofa. Smoked a cig and got thirsty. Reached over for my beer to take one of those long thirsty beer guzzles.

Took down about 10 cigarette butts, and a load of black ashy beer before my brain registered what the fuck happened.

Classic!! Ive had this one happen to me

bass hertz wrote:I used to have a sloppy bachelor pad in my youth. Always had losers over drinking my beer, smoking dope, and shootin' the shit. Just by myself I used to drink 18-24 or more beers a day. After a night of 5-10 people drinking, the empty can and bottles start to add up. Mind you, I did trash empty cans and bottles, but when you are drunk and with a bunch of fools, the empties start to pile up. And then you have those people who won't drink the last drop, drink half a beer and get another (so out of embarrasment for wasting a beer, they wont pour the old one down the sink), and forget they had one, and where the hell they left it. So people start using empties for all sorts of things. Mostly they get used for ash trays and cigarette butt extinguishers.

This one makes me gag till this day. Mostly because I smoked for 16 years then quit back in 2006.

I was sitting on the couch drinking a can of cold beer. I sat the beer on the table next to the sofa. Smoked a cig and got thirsty. Reached over for my beer to take one of those long thirsty beer guzzles.

Took down about 10 cigarette butts, and a load of black ashy beer before my brain registered what the fuck happened.

oh yeah me and my friend both did this a few weeks ago
he puked everywhere but I held down wasnt tooo bad

kay wrote:

ahier wrote:what is tsecni?!

Read it backwards, apparently the filter doesn't like it for some bizarre reason. EDIT: Errr, it wasn't backwards, it was scrambled. Starts with "in" and ends with "cest".

Most disgusting thing that's happened to me was probably falling deep deep deep down in a k-hole, vomiting out the beef chilli + potatoes I'd just eaten, deciding it was actually quite tasty and started swallowing it back down, and then vomiting it back out again. Might have repeated a few times. To be fair, no bile came out with it, so it really did just taste exactly like what I'd just eaten.

On the last night of my work's annual confrence a in 2008 back I got totally shitfaced on the free champagne and proceeded to pull a member of the Retired Aircrew Committee's daughter before realising how much of a monster she was.

That aside, I threw caution to the wind and continued to drink, at which point I thought fuck it and invited her to my hotel room for a quick game of scrabble. Sobering up again later in the early morning and realising a) she was the daughter of a well respected member of my union and b) she was pretty grim looking I moved into the next bed along.

When I woke up she wasn't there and it was pretty moist around my legs and body. Shit, I thought, must have shagged her again in the night and I was sleeping in the wet patch.

Get out of bed and see myself covered in vomit.

I'd yacked up all over myself in my sleep and that's why she left the room half way through the night.

Oh, I also destroyed a fair few public toilets when I had gut-rot in India.

Like proper biohazard shit.

Years and years ago I woke up one morning screaming my eyes out. I couldnt talk, couldnt even lift my own neck. I could feel someone pushing my head through this tiny little hole and I thought I was going to get suffocated. I was literally covered in blood and bits of my own piss and shit. There was water everywhere so it meant all this shite was just swimming around me everywhere. Had to endure this for a good 5 or 10 minutes before finally I manage to squeeze out this hole to find myself lying in a pool of scummy, fleshy gunk. I managed to get a quick glimpse of what the fuck was going on and just remember seeing my mums big bleeding raw fanny lying right next to me with a fucking ooze filled rope coming from it leading right into my stomach.

Beat that stnuc.

i want to stop reading this thread, but it's just too funny.

bass hertz wrote:I used to have a sloppy bachelor pad in my youth. Always had losers over drinking my beer, smoking dope, and shootin' the shit. Just by myself I used to drink 18-24 or more beers a day. After a night of 5-10 people drinking, the empty can and bottles start to add up. Mind you, I did trash empty cans and bottles, but when you are drunk and with a bunch of fools, the empties start to pile up. And then you have those people who won't drink the last drop, drink half a beer and get another (so out of embarrasment for wasting a beer, they wont pour the old one down the sink), and forget they had one, and where the hell they left it. So people start using empties for all sorts of things. Mostly they get used for ash trays and cigarette butt extinguishers.

This one makes me gag till this day. Mostly because I smoked for 16 years then quit back in 2006.

I was sitting on the couch drinking a can of cold beer. I sat the beer on the table next to the sofa. Smoked a cig and got thirsty. Reached over for my beer to take one of those long thirsty beer guzzles.

Took down about 10 cigarette butts, and a load of black ashy beer before my brain registered what the fuck happened.

This happens to me all the time. At worst I was tripping balls on god knows what at one of my house parties, and after staggering into my room got handed a shot of vodka. I necked it, but since I was already on the verge of passing out, I wretched and so dived for the closest beer on the floor. I wolfed it down for about 5 second before stopping and grimacing. "That was all ash wasn't it?", "Uh, yeh".

Another time, when I was at a festival, I was (again) tripping absolute balls, and sitting in my tent with my mate staring at things and sharing a joint. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a big sloppy piece pair of shorts lands on top of the tent and starts dripping all over us. We start freaking out and jostling, thinking it's piss and trying to dodge it, all whilst too paranoid to leave the tent because of the state we were in. About 5 minutes later we heard the fit girl who was in the tent next to us (who thought we were out) say "sorry guys, I'm taking a piss"; and piss all over our tent. The whole time we were tripping so hard that we were mortified, just sitting there staring at each other. The next day when I recovered I found it was just a jumper that fell in a puddle, and then proceeded to piss all over the other girl's tent.

miscreant wrote:Years and years ago I woke up one morning screaming my eyes out. I couldnt talk, couldnt even lift my own neck. I could feel someone pushing my head through this tiny little hole and I thought I was going to get suffocated. I was literally covered in blood and bits of my own piss and shit. There was water everywhere so it meant all this shite was just swimming around me everywhere. Had to endure this for a good 5 or 10 minutes before finally I manage to squeeze out this hole to find myself lying in a pool of scummy, fleshy gunk. I managed to get a quick glimpse of what the fuck was going on and just remember seeing my mums big bleeding raw fanny lying right next to me with a fucking ooze filled rope coming from it leading right into my stomach.

Beat that stnuc.

hayze99 wrote:

bass hertz wrote:I used to have a sloppy bachelor pad in my youth. Always had losers over drinking my beer, smoking dope, and shootin' the shit. Just by myself I used to drink 18-24 or more beers a day. After a night of 5-10 people drinking, the empty can and bottles start to add up. Mind you, I did trash empty cans and bottles, but when you are drunk and with a bunch of fools, the empties start to pile up. And then you have those people who won't drink the last drop, drink half a beer and get another (so out of embarrasment for wasting a beer, they wont pour the old one down the sink), and forget they had one, and where the hell they left it. So people start using empties for all sorts of things. Mostly they get used for ash trays and cigarette butt extinguishers.

This one makes me gag till this day. Mostly because I smoked for 16 years then quit back in 2006.

I was sitting on the couch drinking a can of cold beer. I sat the beer on the table next to the sofa. Smoked a cig and got thirsty. Reached over for my beer to take one of those long thirsty beer guzzles.

Took down about 10 cigarette butts, and a load of black ashy beer before my brain registered what the fuck happened.

This happens to me all the time. At worst I was tripping balls on god knows what at one of my house parties, and after staggering into my room got handed a shot of vodka. I necked it, but since I was already on the verge of passing out, I wretched and so dived for the closest beer on the floor. I wolfed it down for about 5 second before stopping and grimacing. "That was all ash wasn't it?", "Uh, yeh".

Another time, when I was at a festival, I was (again) tripping absolute balls, and sitting in my tent with my mate staring at things and sharing a joint. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a big sloppy piece pair of shorts lands on top of the tent and starts dripping all over us. We start freaking out and jostling, thinking it's piss and trying to dodge it, all whilst too paranoid to leave the tent because of the state we were in. About 5 minutes later we heard the fit girl who was in the tent next to us (who thought we were out) say "sorry guys, I'm taking a piss"; and piss all over our tent. The whole time we were tripping so hard that we were mortified, just sitting there staring at each other. The next day when I recovered I found it was just a jumper that fell in a puddle, and then proceeded to piss all over the other girl's tent.

women urinating is sexy

edit: sexy women urinating is sexy

bass hertz wrote:When I picked up my drink and took a sip, while still staring at Droopy Pizza Tits, I felt something running around in my mouth. It was a fucking COCKROACH!!! The nasty motherfuckers had cockroaches and one of them got in my drink, in my mouth, and was doing donuts on my tongue!!! Fucking shit... I didn't puke but got the fuck outta there quick.

I used to have cockroaches in my house back when i was little growin up in cleveland its no biggie really theyre not poinosnous or anything theyre just a pain to get rid of - ie. you pretty much can't get rid of them

I got a good one tho,

I have shit myself on three separate occasions while on Acid, once with my ex on a foot bridge, and one of those times I was having a piss in a bush in front of my mates house and this caused me to shit myself standing up, which in turn caused me to be sick on myself, whch in turn caused me to get the piss i was pissing out on myself...


...yeah...

wolf89 wrote:

baron_von_carlton wrote:

JFK wrote:

BLAHBLAHJAH wrote:-Mashed as fuck once, struggling to make a fry up for a few mates after a club night, cracking eggs for frying and a stillborn chicken fell into the pan

Best one yet. Fucking vile

It's actually quite delicious. I eat them all the time. Steamed and served with a good chilli sauce.

Yeah, that's what I was talking bout in my last post. Kind of curious to know what it's like.

The taste is pretty close to that of a normal egg, maybe a little stronger with a slightly different texture. It's not crunchy as the bones haven't properly formed.

This thread is quality, I find myself in hysterics and then almost gipping when it gets to the punchline sort of thing (especially at the genital wart story lol)

Just a shame I don't have anything that disgusting to share

But keep them coming

baron_von_carlton wrote:

wolf89 wrote:

baron_von_carlton wrote:

JFK wrote:

BLAHBLAHJAH wrote:-Mashed as fuck once, struggling to make a fry up for a few mates after a club night, cracking eggs for frying and a stillborn chicken fell into the pan

Best one yet. Fucking vile

It's actually quite delicious. I eat them all the time. Steamed and served with a good chilli sauce.

Yeah, that's what I was talking bout in my last post. Kind of curious to know what it's like.

The taste is pretty close to that of a normal egg, maybe a little stronger with a slightly different texture. It's not crunchy as the bones haven't properly formed.

That's fucking rank.