It's early September and I've just got home in Scotland after spending a horrendous 60+ hours travelling back from Croatia for the Outlook festival. My system is completely fucked. But, uni starts in 3 days so I have to get my shit together and move out. I wasn't too excited to be honest. I barely knew where I was at this point. So, I move in. Introductions are a bit weird since I missed freshers week, and I knew one of the flatmates from Facebook. One flatmate thought I was someone a female brought home with them. This would explain how awkward things were between me and him for the first month.
A few weeks in, I'm adapting well. Cooking and all that is surprisingly simple. I'm getting on very well with all flatmates and lectures are pretty decent. I meet a girl, call her J, in a psychology tutorial. Now, understand that my confidence levels are pretty stable, I have no qualms saying some oddball shit or risque jokes around an audience but females are a bit of a different issue. I sat in the tutorial on an end row seat as I was a few minutes late. The tutor gives us an experiment to do in pairs, and of course, I have no one to go with. I glance to my left and see J. Seriously, the hottest girl I've ever seen in my age range. Not a word of a lie. A slightly dark skinned, skinny, big brown eyed thing with a smile that could melt anyone. She signals for me to partner up, I'm all for it.
From then on, me and J become pretty good mates. We hang out a little in the early months, not much. At the flat, let's call the "other girl" (sounds like I'm a player, right?) H. We get on alright, she had a fall out with another flatmate (she is STILL holding the grudge now. 7 months, people) but I was there for her a lot and didn't think much of it. I quickly become the go-to guy for any qualms because of my allegiance to not one party, if that makes sense. H finds out about J when she overhears me talking about her with the guys. H takes the piss out of her, but I shrug it off as banter. It somewhat arises later.
It's October, and H and I have become a lot closer. I'm really liking her. We spend a lot of time staying up late, chatting shit about whatever. Then begins the moments when you look into each others eyes for like 3 seconds and feel all gooey and shit. It becomes a bit touchy feely but nothing more than that, at this point. It got to a point where the tension was too much that I had to tell a fellow flatmate (male, of course) and he sort of saw it.
Come December, we had decided previously that we'd all meet up in Liverpool (its where H and another flatmate live) for a weekend because we are all pretty good mates. I'm amping myself up for this to be the deal breaker, if it goes well, then I'd tell her, if not, fuck it. Well, it wasn't nearly that simple. The first day is cool, just wandering around Liverpool, pretty chill. I really wasn't feeling it though, as in I couldn't read the situation. I think it may largely have been because everyone else was there. Anyway, on the last night, we all go out and I pretty much thought that was it so got pretty drunk. Pulled a random chick using only two words - "I'm Scottish" which was
thinking it'd have no consequence because there's no confirmed anything between myself and H. We go to another club, H sees her ex and gets a bit emotional. She'd been pretty cold with me the whole night, leading me to believe someone told her of the one-off completely meaningless pull from the previous club. I ask if she's ok, she pretty much blanks me. She goes on to pull 4 guys, back to back. In my face. I get it, I pulled too, but that shit hurt. She did a bunch of other shit that fucked me off too, basically acting a complete tart.I leave early next morning to catch my bus, I said my fairwells to her - if you can even call it that - the night before. I'm on one of those horrendous, anxiety-ridden hangovers at this point on public transport, looking and feeling like utter shit.
I get home, H texts me asking why I was such a dick to her. Bearing in mind, I didn't do jackshit to her, this confused me. The conversation made little sense, from what I recall (I deleted it because it was bollocks) and I basically had to admit my liking for her through text. The worst way, I know. At this point, I hate her. Now, this is significant because it is rare for me to have hate for someone. If there's someone I don't like, I would avoid them, simply put. I hate negative vibes all round so try to surround myself with people I genuinely like and appreciate. So, there is not much good feelings between us now. Mine were justified, I felt, hers? Not so much.
January, we all come back to the flat for the start of term. I was mentally ready, easily. I told myself, if she wants to be mates, fine I'll roll with it to avoid any bullshit and if she's still mad, so be it. She's missing out and ruining it for herself. H has her parents with her upon arrival, so that was a nice safeguard. Turns out we're both pretty chill and we get on, but not near the same extent we used to. Over time, the primitive conversation and interaction subsides and we become very comfortable, like it was in September.
February is when J comes back into the fore. We of course remain friends, but now I'm feeling a substantial bit more confident around her. We hang out a lot more too outwith class. Of course, she had me with her looks but her personality unravels and she becomes perfection in female form. I flirt outrageously and shamelessly with her, thinking fuck it, what can I lose, really? We go out for lunch, have copious amounts of alcohol at the union (she's a cracking drunk, too
) and basically she becomes my favourite female ever. That probably sounds weird. H is being really cool too, like flirting heavy with me which is making me think I'm giving off the wrong signals. I roll with it at this point, because it's all fun and games really. Things with J reach a head, I tell her, after much sweat and bullshit, that I really like her. The conversation set me up for rejection (a bit of a harsh word, couldn't think of others) really, I didn't have my hopes up but by letting her know really helped. Which sucks now though is that I like her now moreso than ever before. H is going all out on the "Let's be a consistently sound tnuc" front, which is lovely because her inconsistent moods and ambiguity were losing their novelty.Right now, things got real. We spent a lot of the day, I'm talking like 8 hours together, me and H. Banter is in full flow, but I can tell she's digging at any slight past relations with females and it reeks, fucking REEKS of jealousy. She calls me a "player" which is an unfounded claim really since my luck at uni hasn't - clearly - been that great. I get very strong vibes that she's into me. I know I'm not misreading it this time, and I wasn't. She doesn't admit it, instead forcing me to. I manage it with relative ease, and ask if its mutual, she says yes. This is the part were a pair of loved up teens would kiss, isn't it? No, it doesn't happen. Awkwardness descends and it is a bit weird. I really should have just fucking went in, I get that. Today was a bit of a downer. I tell the same male flatmate as before, he is totally against it. Understandable, really. He thought her behaviour was bang out of order, as do I but I'm stumped. Plus he and H don't get on at all, not even on talking terms. I'm stuck between them too.
Literally, hours ago, we sat together for a bit. I get closer and closer to make the move, but it doesn't happen. She thinks it'd be awkward for everyone else, which I understand but just last night she was saying her thoughts on it were "fuck it, whatever happens happens".
So, that's that. Be sure to tune in whenever I post the next riveting chapter
. you've always got J to go back on. from what you said, she sounds like the better one anyways
