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Okay, this is a true story, gotta say that first.

Late at night right now, reading the interwebs. Left hand slid down to scratch my balls. Feel something tangled in my pubic hair. Kinda hard. Kinda sticky, just a little. Kinda round. Maybe a quarter inch across.

I grab it, but I'm not looking forward to finding out what it is. I pull it into the light of the laptop screen...

[+] Spoiler

Jelly Bean

NO CLUE how it got there. How long it's been there. I haven't seen one in... about six months. I don't really eat candy, I don't have that type of thing in my house.

I would like to hear a logical analysis of where this could have come from. I'd really like to know.

bit of a buzzkill but i think it's possible that:

someone in your fam left one in their pockets
it came loose in the washer/dryer
attached itself to the inside of your underwear
you put it on and the jelly bean transfers to your pubes

also i dont think this is the type of "lump" theyre referring to when they say it's important to check your balls for cancer, but i guess this shows why its important anyways

Are you absolutely certain the Easter Bunny wasn't involved?

My pubes, though not green, do resemble the fake grass of an Easter Basket.

The most important question seems to be whether you ate it or not.

You sick fuck.

Did you deliberately make the spoiler text the same colour as the object you found?

shyeah.

would you consider shaving your balls in order to avoid the possibility of similar discoveries in the future? how did you feel the moment you realised it was tasty candy rather than something less pleasant?

are you sure it wasn't an exotic tic

RKM wrote:are you sure it wasn't an exotic tic

I'll be sending the Jelly Bean in question to Magma, he can do a taste analysis. The thought has crossed my mind though.

are you sure it wasn't an exotic tic tac

If there was a chance of Green Apple or Watermelon, you'd have a deal... but I'm not risking getting crabs in my stubble for plain ol' Tangerine.

Until we have the results back from Magma, it is important that we remain calm.

nowaysj wrote:Are you absolutely certain the Easter Bunny wasn't involved?
.

get used to the idea that you will never know how it got there
I assure you that such spontaneous manifestations happen to others
& recommend that you enjoy the mystery & look forward to further intrigues.

meanwhile, what does a jelly bean mean to you?
does it's placental-like shape evoke parenthood?
does it's appearance in your groin suggest procreation?
was it's surprise discovery met with relief or foreboding?

It was slightly sticky in a sensitive location. It was tangled. It was dark, and it was unknown. Negative experience.

That it turned out to be an orange Jelly Bean... bizarre. Jelly Beans are so cute. Orange is my favorite color. Seeing a Jelly Bean is a bright happy thing, sugar rush, childhood games, tangled in my pubic hair at 3am.

i'd assumed till now you were totally hairless except beard

That makes no sense. You grow a beard but shave your... I don't know what you call male pubic hair.

I'm from a different generation, dude. We have hair on our balls.

Had it been in a mouth? Did it have that stickiness? You know how you just know

I feel you, no, I think Inspector Phigure may have been correct.